lacking

So I took a camp24 class at the gym today. I thought I was going to faint maybe 3 times throughout the class. I don't know if I can keep going. It's a bit too intense for me. Plus my old high school math teacher is in there.

There was this stick skinny girl standing next to me, and I thought "dang, if I was that size, I would never go to the gym. And I would eat as horribly as I possibly could." Which was kind of my case in high school. In the sense that I had higher metabolism (didn't everyone?) and I ate Mcdonalds/Del Taco/Jack in the Box every other day in large quantities and never thought twice about my weight.

So I guess in a way, God slowing down my metabolism is a blessing in disguise. If I didn't have the potential to gain weight, I would never have really thought about my body, what goes in my body, and what comes out (sounds gross, I know).

And that made me think of other areas in my life that aren't quite up to par as I have hoped. Such as money. I'm not rich... probably wouldn't consider myself comfortable... more just getting by. But I wondered if I was filthy rich, what would I be doing? Somehow I wouldn't see myself as one of those people who donate all their money and help out in Africa. Having more money would probably corrupt me, and I would only care about buying pretty things that mean nothing.

Also, I think sometimes if I was beautiful, what would I be like? I think I would be the vainest person in the world. I feel like I'm already vain enough without being beautiful. haha. I would probably be one of those lazy, vapid women that would play my trophy wife status in order to attract guys. I wouldn't care to be clever or winsome or kind.

And then there is my faith. Sometimes, I would wish I was one of those people who grew up in the church, only knew the church, and that was it. I wish I was simple. That I would be able to accept the kingdom of God like a little child. But I can't. I think too much... I ask too many questions... I doubt. But maybe this is also a blessing in disguise. God is teaching me through wrestling with Him. And maybe through this all, it'll only make me stronger.

Psalms 13
¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

rawr.

fine like wine

Nothing makes you feel older than seeing the kids around you grow up.

Exhibit A: Indio

This is Robert Downey Jr.'s kid (in the middle) that was part of the MOCAmaniacs (a summer art program at MOCA when I was interning back in '05).

Back then he was still a pre-pubescent, Kurt Cobain- loving little rascal. Pretty dang cute too.

But now he's freaking taller than his daddy! And he's older than Minji from 2NE1!


I remember seeing R.D.Jr. at the end-of-the-summer art show (this was his pre-Ironman days when he looked more unkempt and grungy)... but he nodded at me in the hallway... I was about to faint. I loved him in Ally McBeal... that was a great show.

Anyway, you also know you're getting older when your age range of guys you would possibly date, keeps expanding. Back in high school, it'd be like heck no I wouldn't date anyone younger! Then in college... maybe a year (or two). Now it's like... as long as they're born in the 80's!

Same with the age ceiling.

Also, your standards start getting more and more lax (see "Up in the Air")... as long as he has hair. Or you can go the other opposite extreme and start having ridiculously high standards with the mentality that since you waited this long, might as well be someone perfect. Maybe that's the good thing about marrying your high school/college beau. It's almost like a fated situation and there's less pressure on both parties to be each other's ideal types.

suffering

I was talking to someone about her experience with R.O.T.C.

I asked her why she's doing it and one of the reasons (among others) she listed was simply that she wanted to experience some type of suffering in order to balance out her life.

Or I don't know if she put it in those words exactly, but that's what I got out of it.

And I totes understand, because I often inflict myself with pain (don't worry... not like physically but putting myself in painful situations).

It's kind of like the opposite effect of drugs. Drugs put us on a high so that normal life seems unbearable and dry. Whereas these little self-inflicted trials make us realize how good "normal" life is.

I think that's why I'm taking Pilates. So for an hour, every Thursday morning I can re-evaluate how wonderful life is... outside of Pilates class.

(Though I have to say it's actually getting a little better each time).

ps.
my friend just sent me a little email, alerting me that there is now a new punctuation mark that indicates sarcasm.

here's the whole article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/news/6995354/Sarcasm-punctuation-mark-aims-to-put-an-end-to-email-confusion.html

Coolest invention ever right? (see you don't know if I'm being sarcastic or not...)
Though I have to say I'm kind of on the fence about this one... sometimes the misunderstandings that occur over sarcasm on the web can be pretty hilarious in a disastrous way.

to add to my potential Indian bf list:

British author & journalist Hari Kunzru (coolest name ever). Also the deputy president of English PEN.

I believe he is straight and unmarried. And is being followed by yours truly on twitter.

Levin

Before reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, I already knew about the tragic story of the heroine from popular culture or other literary works (i.e. The Unbearable Lightness of Being). However, what they fail to mention is the parallel, redemptive plotline of Konstantine Dmitrievitch Levin, the fellow protagonist. As I was getting frustrated at Anna's frivolity and pitiful nature towards the end of the novel, I was absorbed in Levin's story of personal growth and discovery of spiritual faith (I had no idea that Tolstoy was such an avid Christian). I found Levin's struggle with his faith so real and similar to my own.

And Levin, a happy father and husband, in perfect health, was several times so near suicide that he hid the cord that he might not be tempted to hang himself, and was afraid to go out with his gun for fear of shooting himself.

But Levin did not shoot himself, and did not hang himself; he went on living.

When Levin thought what he was and what he was living for, he could find no answer to the questions and was reduced to despair, but he left off questioning himself about it. It seemed as though he knew both what he was and for what he was living, for he acted and lived resolutely and without hesitation. Indeed, in these latter days he was far more decided and unhesitating in life that he had ever been.

Reasoning had brought him to doubt and prevented him from seeing what he ought to do and what he ought not. When he did not think, but simply lived, he was continually aware of the presence of an infallible judge in his soul, determining which of two possible courses of action was the better and which was the worse, and as soon as he did not act rightly, he was at once aware of it.

So he lived, not knowing and not seeing any chance of knowing what he was and what he was living for, and harassed at this lack of knowledge to such a point that he was afraid of suicide and yet firmly laying down his own individual definite path of life.

***

(But after Fyodor, a peasant, talked to him about "living for God," Levin comes to a realization).

"Not living for his own wants, but for God? For what God? And could one say anything more senseless than what he said? He said that one must not live for one' own wants, that is, that one must not live for what we understand, what we are attracted by, what we desire, but must live for something incomprehensible, for God, whom no one can understand nor even define. What of it? Didn't I understand those senseless words for Fyodor's? And understanding them, did I doubt of their truth? Did I think them stupid, obscure, inexact? No, I understood him, and exactly as he understands the words. I understood them more fully and clearly than I understand anything in life, and never in my life have I doubted nor can I doubt about it. And not only I, but every one, the whole world understands nothing fully but this, and about this only they have no doubt and are always agreed.

And I looked out for miracles, complained that I did not see a miracle which would convince me. A material miracle would have persuaded me. And here is a miracle, the sole miracle possible, continually existing, surrounding me on all sides, and I never noticed it!

I looked for answer to my question. And thought could not give an answer to my question- it is incommensurable with my question. The answer has been given me by life itself, in my knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. And that knowledge I did not arrive at in any way, it was give to me as to all men, given, because I could not have got it from anywhere.

Where could I have got it? By reason could I have arrived at knowing that I must love my neighbor and not oppress him? I was told that in my childhood, and I believed it gladly, for they told me what was already in my soul. But who discovered it? Not reason. Reason discovered the struggle for existence, and the law that requires us to oppress all who hinder the satisfaction of our desires. That is the deduction of reason. But loving one's neighbor reason could never discover, because it's irrational.

Well, but the Jews, the Mohammedans, the Confucians, the Buddhists- what of them? Can these hundreds of millions of men be deprived of that highest blessing without which life has no meaning? But what am I questioning? I am questioning the relation to Divinity of all the different religions of all mankind. I am questioning the universal manifestation of God to all the world with all those misty blurs. What am I about? To me individually, to my heart has been revealed a knowledge beyond all doubt, and unattainable by reason, and here am I obstinately trying to express that knowledge in reason and words... the question of other religions and their relations to Divinity I have to right to decide, and no possibility of deciding."

I had decided I will name my firstborn son Levin.

fetishism

I think it was reading about the statuesque, long-lashed Karthik in A Great & Terrible Beauty and watching the dreamy Sav Bhandari from Degrassi, but all of a sudden I want an Indian boyfriend.

who ate all my peanut butter

I feel like Korean-Americans generally consider it a red flag to work for a Korean company (or business). I was really thinking about it the other day, and I feel like someone out there (I could volunteer myself) should write some kind of book/thesis about this topic.

Koreans (I'm talkin' native Koreans or fobs) have a different mentality when it comes to work. Basically, work= life... coworkers= family. There are no clear lines drawn between work life and personal life. Going out with your coworkers after work is mandatory. Drinking is mandatory as well (When I interviewed for both Samsung & KBS America, one of the interview questions was "How much can you drink?"). There are no strict hours, but you're expected to work as many hours as needed (usually working overtime without getting paid overtime). There is no yours or mine, but only ours. This might be why people will get the bizarro idea that it's okay to eat all your peanut butter in the shared fridge.

I realized one bad thing about being around too many asians is the prevalence of passive-aggressive behavior (ironic how as I blog about this, I'm also stooping to it as well ). So much backdoor gossip and indirect means of retaliation... gives me a headache. >_< I guess that's one thing I (kind of) appreciate about my family. Everyone's pretty confrontational and upfront when they don't want to do something or just don't give a hoot.

On a brighter note, did I mention how useful Urban Dictionary is? I love this site. Yeah, there are some vulgarities on there, but how else would I keep up with the up & happenin's of net lingo?


ngl
dnw
idek
idawtc
lulmuffins.




OoOoOoh do want do want!

a new version of me.

2010. It looks like an alien, futuristic year that we never thought we would reach. In the year 2010, we should be living like the Jetsons riding flying cars and living in outer space, right? But instead we have our iphones and blackberries... whatta letdown~

Many people say new years resolutions are cheesy and pointless, but people who say that are usually the lazy & dispirited.

Whereas I still hold onto this little, underrated thing called hope.

This year, I will really actively try to better myself. I will become Julie 3.0.

But I realize that with these resolutions, I have to start off small... can't make those lofty, idealistic goals that wont humor anyone and are just doomed for failure.

As I look at my January 2009 goals, I listed:

1. I'm going to get something published. (hmm well that didn't happen... even with 6 months of unemployment... though I did work on some pieces that I'm now too embarrassed to look at.)

2. I'm going to learn the trick of the trades. (wow... way to be overly general. I should've just written "BE GOOD.")

3. I'm going to be shameless. (hm more vagueness. Well I did, for the first time ever in my life, confess my adoration for a guy I had a crush on... that was pretty shameless.)

Well for the big 2010,

1st resolution:
I will make a better, more specific set of resolutions. Is this kind of like asking for three more wishes?

2nd resolution:
I will become a yoga/pilates queen. I realized I'm probably the most inflexible Asian woman I know. It's actually kind of embarrassing. How is it that Asian (especially Chinese) women are so limber and acrobatic? Even the older ladies can hit all the poses while I'm struggling like a behemoth. Even during football practices, I'd hate the stretching exercises, because I would be the only person straining to touch my toes. But just you wait- by the end of this year, I'll be as lithe and limber as a cat.

3rd resolution: I will learn how to cook. Or at least become more comfortable with cooking. I told my fam that I'll start off by cooking a meal per week. Even if it's a really simple one. I'm not sure if they're more excited or worried. My first meal was goat cheese & spinach omelette with french toast. (this reminds me... while I was grocery shopping, I was struck with the dilemma of choosing between organic and regular eggs, and I confess I did go with the regular ones- the organic ones were 3x the price~) which leads me to my

4th resolution: I will be a flexitarian. This one's kind of cheating, because it's still kind of vague. But for those of you who don't know... flexitarianism: a semi-vegetarian diet focusing on vegetarian food with occasional meat consumption. People will say this is like "copping out" but read the chapter "All or Nothing or Something Else" of JSF's Eating Animals. Actually don't know if I should make this into a resolution since it's practically what I already do anyway. Fine... this one will just be a filler until I can think of something better.

5th resolution: I will answer the phone nicely. Whenever my family calls, I tend to get very exasperated and automatically switch to this annoyed tone... and in a strange way, this kind of sets the tone for the rest of the conversation and just the relationship as a whole. I realized that I was being very bratty & irritable and that it's unfair that I turn on this sweet, pleasant persona when I'm at work to people who are way more undeserving of such treatment in comparison to my family.

That is it for now. Well there's more, but I'm too embarrassed to post those up publicly.