dear diary.

So I've been meaning to write in a diary for quite some time now... no, not a blog (like the one you're reading) that's filtered and packaged for the larger interweb community, but a real private diary that captures my uninhibited thoughts at any giving moment.

The problem with writing in a diary is that I get lazy and I only write in spurts when something exciting is going on (usually surrounding a boy) - which obviously is not a true reflection of my day-to-day life. Another issue is that I've always associated writing in a diary with actual writing by hand. As most my schoolwork and work-work have involved typing on a computer for the past decade or so, it's become harder for me to really sit there and write out anything substantial with pen & paper (I've become extremely reliant on the backspace button).  The most i can do is transcribe during lectures/meetings or sermons, but it's hard for me to jot down any original thoughts.

So, what made the most sense to me was to create a personal online blog... pretty much a blog like this, but with a privacy lock on it (that reminds me of the old-school sanrio diaries i had growing up that had a lock & key, but all the diaries they sold had the same locks & keys, which made them utterly useless). Of course, there were some reservations about doing it, since I couldn't fully trust that it's truly "private." For instance, even with facebook, you think you set something as private, and the next day facebook will change it's privacy settings on you (without warning, might I add), and all your stuff is out there for the world to see.

But after going on different browsers and different computers to see if I could have access to this top-secret blog, I realized it was safe.  So I decided to let my guard down and start writing.

To be honest, I still found it hard to write. I felt like my words still felt contrived, and the tone sounded a little too... not me.  I found myself omitting things and second-guessing everything I wrote. This is not what I wanted. I wanted something raw. Something that "bared my soul."

Thats when I realized this inability to be "naked" wasn't because of other people. It was ultimately because of me. Not only did I want to keep certain things from others, but I realized these things were also hard for me admit to myself as well. And writing them down (whether they be on written on paper or electronically) would mean that they were true and I couldn't swallow that. I didn't want the ugly thoughts swimming in my head to become hard, cold truth's that I would have to face again and again.  I'd rather not.

But I realized that I can no longer be in denial and that I'd have to candidly face these shortcomings, the disappointments, and my secret longings.

After all if i'm not true to myself, really what's the point?

oh, geography

As much as I love my NY life, there have definitely been some serious sacrifices I had to make while living here.

But more than the insanely high rent and brutal winters, I think the biggest drawback would be not being around my closest loved ones.

Seems obvious right?  But it recently crept on me as a slowly realized understanding that things are just not quite the same no matter how much I keep in touch. Throughout the 2-year duration that I've been living here, I have rarely felt strong pangs of homesickness (except for some random moments when I start to really miss my grandma), especially since I still talk to my family and my best friend back at home on a fairly regular basis.

But I realized that you can't deny the power of proximity.  No matter how much effort both parties put in, you feel an inevitably growing distance. When you talk to them, you find yourself omitting those stupid, little details of your life that you normally would share with someone you see on a daily basis (i.e. current roommates, coworkers).  And it's not that you literally can't share those things, but you just don't see any point in it... who really wants to hear that stuff right?  So you try to package all the happenings of your life into more readily digestible forms - the quick highlights or the overarching theme of the season.  But what we fail to see is that those silly, petty details (those complaints about the train traffic, that crazy scene you might've seen on the streets, that "special little moment" you might've shared with someone) are actually the tiny propellers that help sustain relationships.

That's why I value my roommates (j & e) so much - they're my home away from home.  As "introverted" as I am, I enjoy having roommates and I think I would drive myself up the wall if I lived alone.  Sometimes you just need that person that you need to rant to or in my case, listen to (haha).  Yes, some of the stuff we may talk about may be inconsequential, but hey- it's the glue to our bond. Their companionship is truly priceless, and it'll be a strangely happy/sad day when we all find possibly more significant other's to move in with.