lacking

So I took a camp24 class at the gym today. I thought I was going to faint maybe 3 times throughout the class. I don't know if I can keep going. It's a bit too intense for me. Plus my old high school math teacher is in there.

There was this stick skinny girl standing next to me, and I thought "dang, if I was that size, I would never go to the gym. And I would eat as horribly as I possibly could." Which was kind of my case in high school. In the sense that I had higher metabolism (didn't everyone?) and I ate Mcdonalds/Del Taco/Jack in the Box every other day in large quantities and never thought twice about my weight.

So I guess in a way, God slowing down my metabolism is a blessing in disguise. If I didn't have the potential to gain weight, I would never have really thought about my body, what goes in my body, and what comes out (sounds gross, I know).

And that made me think of other areas in my life that aren't quite up to par as I have hoped. Such as money. I'm not rich... probably wouldn't consider myself comfortable... more just getting by. But I wondered if I was filthy rich, what would I be doing? Somehow I wouldn't see myself as one of those people who donate all their money and help out in Africa. Having more money would probably corrupt me, and I would only care about buying pretty things that mean nothing.

Also, I think sometimes if I was beautiful, what would I be like? I think I would be the vainest person in the world. I feel like I'm already vain enough without being beautiful. haha. I would probably be one of those lazy, vapid women that would play my trophy wife status in order to attract guys. I wouldn't care to be clever or winsome or kind.

And then there is my faith. Sometimes, I would wish I was one of those people who grew up in the church, only knew the church, and that was it. I wish I was simple. That I would be able to accept the kingdom of God like a little child. But I can't. I think too much... I ask too many questions... I doubt. But maybe this is also a blessing in disguise. God is teaching me through wrestling with Him. And maybe through this all, it'll only make me stronger.

Psalms 13
¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.