music is my boyfriend

For this lent season, I decided to fast music. I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I've ever fasted. I knew right when I decided to commit to it (and believe me it didn't come about easily...), that it wasn't going to be the same as fasting sweets or shopping. A friend told me I had to give up something that would "hurt." Or otherwise, what's the point, right? I crave songs sometimes the same way others crave food or sleep. When I walk around, ride the subway, do my work, go running- I always needed the background noise to fill in the void. Putting on my headphones allowed me to seep into my own dreamy, little world where life is made sweeter by pretty melodies and moods can be adjusted according to playlists.

I was especially dependent on music when I would run; it was like my fuel, providing me with a steady beat that would chug me along. When I first started running without music, I yearned to hear some Strokes or Phoenix in the background to get me pumped (I would get a little delirious and start humming or thinking of songs in my head). But my efforts were futile as all I could hear was the sound of my own heavy stomping and wheezing... not really the picker-upper I needed.

Though at first, it felt really empty, lifeless, and pretty 썰렁해 without having a constant soundtrack to my life, I've learned to appreciate the sound of silence. Which isn't actually silence at all... I have become more aware and mindful of my surroundings. I can actually hear and partake in the conversations around me at work. I take notice of the kids playing at the park or even the leaves on the trees (and more importantly, the horse poop on the ground). The stillness allows to me hear my own thoughts, and it's even opening up a better channel of communication with God.

Yet, 4/24 still seems so far away.