homerisms

Homer: Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are?
Skinner: Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?

Marge: I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

“Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’”

“Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys, and kids with fake I.D.s.”

“Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me....
Postoffice: Okay. What's your first name, Mr Burns?
Homer: I ... Uh ... Don't know ...

"Homer Simpson is not the kind of man that apologizes, I'm sorry that's just the way I am."

Homer: "No beer and no TV make Homer something something"
Marge: "Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do!"

Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!"

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaming."

Homer: But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file ...
Marge [Whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don't have anything against her.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.