so now that all the craziness/business of the wedding frenzy has passed, i get to have some time to just veg (what i do best!).
it was strange - i don't think i have ever been so stressed as the day before the wedding (to which normal people would find not that stressful at all). as a maid-of honor, i think it's ultimately the idea that this isn't YOUR big day, and you want to make sure you don't screw up someone else's big day. and being someone who isn't all that into weddings in general (don't even have a wedding board on my pinterest) and as someone who doesn't like planning things in general (i can't even pick restaurants or movies without being paranoid about everyone else's opinions), it just aggravated the situation.
all the while, my mind was straddling the thoughts of how i'm going to make my friends do ridiculous things at my future wedding (and they must comply since I'm the bride!) or just forgo a wedding altogether. i'm leaning towards the latter.
but the wedding itself was lovely. i've been a 3rd-wheel to my cousin and her now husband josh for quite a while when we all lived in NJ together, so it was pretty amazing to see how far they've come. also, a big bonus was that i got to spend the whole weekend with umma. it startles me a bit every time i see her - she looks older and much thinner each time. she works way too hard for a woman one year shy of 60... i want to give her the world. i miss her already.
10.21.2012
9.29.2012
dear diary.
So I've been meaning to write in a diary for quite some time now... no, not a blog (like the one you're reading) that's filtered and packaged for the larger interweb community, but a real private diary that captures my uninhibited thoughts at any giving moment.
The problem with writing in a diary is that I get lazy and I only write in spurts when something exciting is going on (usually surrounding a boy) - which obviously is not a true reflection of my day-to-day life. Another issue is that I've always associated writing in a diary with actual writing by hand. As most my schoolwork and work-work have involved typing on a computer for the past decade or so, it's become harder for me to really sit there and write out anything substantial with pen & paper (I've become extremely reliant on the backspace button). The most i can do is transcribe during lectures/meetings or sermons, but it's hard for me to jot down any original thoughts.
So, what made the most sense to me was to create a personal online blog... pretty much a blog like this, but with a privacy lock on it (that reminds me of the old-school sanrio diaries i had growing up that had a lock & key, but all the diaries they sold had the same locks & keys, which made them utterly useless). Of course, there were some reservations about doing it, since I couldn't fully trust that it's truly "private." For instance, even with facebook, you think you set something as private, and the next day facebook will change it's privacy settings on you (without warning, might I add), and all your stuff is out there for the world to see.
But after going on different browsers and different computers to see if I could have access to this top-secret blog, I realized it was safe. So I decided to let my guard down and start writing.
To be honest, I still found it hard to write. I felt like my words still felt contrived, and the tone sounded a little too... not me. I found myself omitting things and second-guessing everything I wrote. This is not what I wanted. I wanted something raw. Something that "bared my soul."
Thats when I realized this inability to be "naked" wasn't because of other people. It was ultimately because of me. Not only did I want to keep certain things from others, but I realized these things were also hard for me admit to myself as well. And writing them down (whether they be on written on paper or electronically) would mean that they were true and I couldn't swallow that. I didn't want the ugly thoughts swimming in my head to become hard, cold truth's that I would have to face again and again. I'd rather not.
But I realized that I can no longer be in denial and that I'd have to candidly face these shortcomings, the disappointments, and my secret longings.
After all if i'm not true to myself, really what's the point?
The problem with writing in a diary is that I get lazy and I only write in spurts when something exciting is going on (usually surrounding a boy) - which obviously is not a true reflection of my day-to-day life. Another issue is that I've always associated writing in a diary with actual writing by hand. As most my schoolwork and work-work have involved typing on a computer for the past decade or so, it's become harder for me to really sit there and write out anything substantial with pen & paper (I've become extremely reliant on the backspace button). The most i can do is transcribe during lectures/meetings or sermons, but it's hard for me to jot down any original thoughts.
So, what made the most sense to me was to create a personal online blog... pretty much a blog like this, but with a privacy lock on it (that reminds me of the old-school sanrio diaries i had growing up that had a lock & key, but all the diaries they sold had the same locks & keys, which made them utterly useless). Of course, there were some reservations about doing it, since I couldn't fully trust that it's truly "private." For instance, even with facebook, you think you set something as private, and the next day facebook will change it's privacy settings on you (without warning, might I add), and all your stuff is out there for the world to see.
But after going on different browsers and different computers to see if I could have access to this top-secret blog, I realized it was safe. So I decided to let my guard down and start writing.
To be honest, I still found it hard to write. I felt like my words still felt contrived, and the tone sounded a little too... not me. I found myself omitting things and second-guessing everything I wrote. This is not what I wanted. I wanted something raw. Something that "bared my soul."
Thats when I realized this inability to be "naked" wasn't because of other people. It was ultimately because of me. Not only did I want to keep certain things from others, but I realized these things were also hard for me admit to myself as well. And writing them down (whether they be on written on paper or electronically) would mean that they were true and I couldn't swallow that. I didn't want the ugly thoughts swimming in my head to become hard, cold truth's that I would have to face again and again. I'd rather not.
But I realized that I can no longer be in denial and that I'd have to candidly face these shortcomings, the disappointments, and my secret longings.
After all if i'm not true to myself, really what's the point?
9.03.2012
oh, geography
As much as I love my NY life, there have definitely been some serious sacrifices I had to make while living here.
But more than the insanely high rent and brutal winters, I think the biggest drawback would be not being around my closest loved ones.
Seems obvious right? But it recently crept on me as a slowly realized understanding that things are just not quite the same no matter how much I keep in touch. Throughout the 2-year duration that I've been living here, I have rarely felt strong pangs of homesickness (except for some random moments when I start to really miss my grandma), especially since I still talk to my family and my best friend back at home on a fairly regular basis.
But I realized that you can't deny the power of proximity. No matter how much effort both parties put in, you feel an inevitably growing distance. When you talk to them, you find yourself omitting those stupid, little details of your life that you normally would share with someone you see on a daily basis (i.e. current roommates, coworkers). And it's not that you literally can't share those things, but you just don't see any point in it... who really wants to hear that stuff right? So you try to package all the happenings of your life into more readily digestible forms - the quick highlights or the overarching theme of the season. But what we fail to see is that those silly, petty details (those complaints about the train traffic, that crazy scene you might've seen on the streets, that "special little moment" you might've shared with someone) are actually the tiny propellers that help sustain relationships.
That's why I value my roommates (j & e) so much - they're my home away from home. As "introverted" as I am, I enjoy having roommates and I think I would drive myself up the wall if I lived alone. Sometimes you just need that person that you need to rant to or in my case, listen to (haha). Yes, some of the stuff we may talk about may be inconsequential, but hey- it's the glue to our bond. Their companionship is truly priceless, and it'll be a strangely happy/sad day when we all find possibly more significant other's to move in with.
But more than the insanely high rent and brutal winters, I think the biggest drawback would be not being around my closest loved ones.
Seems obvious right? But it recently crept on me as a slowly realized understanding that things are just not quite the same no matter how much I keep in touch. Throughout the 2-year duration that I've been living here, I have rarely felt strong pangs of homesickness (except for some random moments when I start to really miss my grandma), especially since I still talk to my family and my best friend back at home on a fairly regular basis.
But I realized that you can't deny the power of proximity. No matter how much effort both parties put in, you feel an inevitably growing distance. When you talk to them, you find yourself omitting those stupid, little details of your life that you normally would share with someone you see on a daily basis (i.e. current roommates, coworkers). And it's not that you literally can't share those things, but you just don't see any point in it... who really wants to hear that stuff right? So you try to package all the happenings of your life into more readily digestible forms - the quick highlights or the overarching theme of the season. But what we fail to see is that those silly, petty details (those complaints about the train traffic, that crazy scene you might've seen on the streets, that "special little moment" you might've shared with someone) are actually the tiny propellers that help sustain relationships.
That's why I value my roommates (j & e) so much - they're my home away from home. As "introverted" as I am, I enjoy having roommates and I think I would drive myself up the wall if I lived alone. Sometimes you just need that person that you need to rant to or in my case, listen to (haha). Yes, some of the stuff we may talk about may be inconsequential, but hey- it's the glue to our bond. Their companionship is truly priceless, and it'll be a strangely happy/sad day when we all find possibly more significant other's to move in with.
8.29.2012
blue tuesday
Something that I never really experienced until I came to NY was this interaction/relationship you have with your doormen. These doormen you see day in & day out; they probably know about your patterns more than you do by the way you scramble out the apt every morning, the packages you receive once in a blue moon, the visitors you get late at night. We have three doormen (now four I believe) at my apt. building. They all greet me very pleasantly in the mornings with their distinct "good morning ma'am!", "why hello Juuulie!" or "how youuu doin?"
So it kind of broke my heart when last week, I heard that the oldest doorman is terminally ill in the hospital. Yes - he was kind of a strange one. The one that looked pretty disheveled (I admit, I judged him) and would be a bit "overly" friendly as he jibber-jabbered comments to himself.
But all those past feelings of annoyance and irritation at the old guy seemed so petty and mean-spirited when I found out the disheartening news.
I actually asked the younger doorman if this older man had any family & kids, and the guy said he doesn't think so and that he possibly might have a sister somewhere, but is not even sure if she's aware of his condition. This made me even sadder.
These people you see and talk to everyday of your life (even if it's a quick salutation) - you can strangely feel their absence.
So it kind of broke my heart when last week, I heard that the oldest doorman is terminally ill in the hospital. Yes - he was kind of a strange one. The one that looked pretty disheveled (I admit, I judged him) and would be a bit "overly" friendly as he jibber-jabbered comments to himself.
But all those past feelings of annoyance and irritation at the old guy seemed so petty and mean-spirited when I found out the disheartening news.
I actually asked the younger doorman if this older man had any family & kids, and the guy said he doesn't think so and that he possibly might have a sister somewhere, but is not even sure if she's aware of his condition. This made me even sadder.
These people you see and talk to everyday of your life (even if it's a quick salutation) - you can strangely feel their absence.
8.11.2012
the joys of strolling
I love walking. I came back from an impromptu night stroll with a buddy of mine (I think he felt a bit obligated to walk with me, even after I assured him that I always enjoy walking by myself this late at night) - it was nice though, because we got to chat and catch up a bit.
I noticed that walking has always been one of my favorite past-times. Ever since a young age, I'd be constantly walking around the house (at times, skipping on my couches), because I think it was some type of physical (& mental) release. As a child with a busy mind & an overactive imagination, I just couldn't sit still and think/imagine properly. As my mind is churning, my body had to be active also.
I remember when reading Steve Job's biography that he loved taking walks whether it was with his son for some good quality time or his partners working out deals.
I like taking walks by myself because it helps me organize my thoughts. Though I also find these quiet times necessary for me even if means I'm thinking about absolutely nothing and just observing the random happenings on the streets.
Look at Colin Firth - all brooding/pensive as he's walking around the neighborhood.
I also enjoy walking with company. Some of my favorite things to do when I go back home is to go on my ritual morning walks with my mom - sometimes my dad joins in too, but he can't hang (physically) the whole time. It's our special, quality time together as a family as we find ourselves pretty much talking about anything from our family to relationships to careers to God. I also think that's one of my favorite things to do on a date. It's much more relaxed than sitting down at the table for dinner and just conversing over drinks, because in both those cases you're pretty much stationary at a table - just staring across at each other. Nothing to fill in the silences but blank, awkward stares as you nervously crumple your napkin and sip your water for the upteenth time. Whereas if you're walking, you can focus on walking and looking at the things around you, so the awkward silences don't seem so obvious.
My pastor told us he goes on walks with his wife everyday and it's kind of become their "thing." I hope that whoever I end up with in the long run, won't mind a bit of walking either...
I noticed that walking has always been one of my favorite past-times. Ever since a young age, I'd be constantly walking around the house (at times, skipping on my couches), because I think it was some type of physical (& mental) release. As a child with a busy mind & an overactive imagination, I just couldn't sit still and think/imagine properly. As my mind is churning, my body had to be active also.
I remember when reading Steve Job's biography that he loved taking walks whether it was with his son for some good quality time or his partners working out deals.
I like taking walks by myself because it helps me organize my thoughts. Though I also find these quiet times necessary for me even if means I'm thinking about absolutely nothing and just observing the random happenings on the streets.
Look at Colin Firth - all brooding/pensive as he's walking around the neighborhood.
I also enjoy walking with company. Some of my favorite things to do when I go back home is to go on my ritual morning walks with my mom - sometimes my dad joins in too, but he can't hang (physically) the whole time. It's our special, quality time together as a family as we find ourselves pretty much talking about anything from our family to relationships to careers to God. I also think that's one of my favorite things to do on a date. It's much more relaxed than sitting down at the table for dinner and just conversing over drinks, because in both those cases you're pretty much stationary at a table - just staring across at each other. Nothing to fill in the silences but blank, awkward stares as you nervously crumple your napkin and sip your water for the upteenth time. Whereas if you're walking, you can focus on walking and looking at the things around you, so the awkward silences don't seem so obvious.
My pastor told us he goes on walks with his wife everyday and it's kind of become their "thing." I hope that whoever I end up with in the long run, won't mind a bit of walking either...
7.26.2012
david
being a part of the korean-american christian community, i can't stand the name "david." it is by far the most generic name & add a kim/lee/park to it, and you're bound to have FB/gmail/phone number mishaps (i am definitely guilty of emailing the wrong "david lee" on many occasions).
however, i see the appeal of naming your child "david." he is my favorite (and most interesting) character in the bible. a poet, musician, sheperd, warrior, hero, adulterer, murderer, king- he is one complex man with amazingly human flaws but an unfailing love & "oneness" with God.
visiting italy last year, i had the pleasure of seeing different depictions of david, though i have to say bernini's david definitely trumps michelangelo's (most famous) version in my opinion.
michelangelo's david (1501-1504)
created in the height of the renaissance, it is said that michelangelo's david is the "perfect man" in regards to structure and proportions. he is depicted as "tense and watchful," in a posture that is ready for battle (though he looks pretty relaxed to me...)
bernini's david (1623)
coming from the baroque era, bernini's david is much more active and dramatic. he is portrayed in mid-motion as he is battling it out with goliath. plus, i find him really handsome/attractive. i couldn't help but stare (for an inappropriately long duration) at his beautiful face.
who doesn't love a man of action?
7.07.2012
hot hot heat
sweltering heat is debilitating.
too hot to go out. too hot to sleep. too hot to do anything.
i want to go here:
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