dear diary.

So I've been meaning to write in a diary for quite some time now... no, not a blog (like the one you're reading) that's filtered and packaged for the larger interweb community, but a real private diary that captures my uninhibited thoughts at any giving moment.

The problem with writing in a diary is that I get lazy and I only write in spurts when something exciting is going on (usually surrounding a boy) - which obviously is not a true reflection of my day-to-day life. Another issue is that I've always associated writing in a diary with actual writing by hand. As most my schoolwork and work-work have involved typing on a computer for the past decade or so, it's become harder for me to really sit there and write out anything substantial with pen & paper (I've become extremely reliant on the backspace button).  The most i can do is transcribe during lectures/meetings or sermons, but it's hard for me to jot down any original thoughts.

So, what made the most sense to me was to create a personal online blog... pretty much a blog like this, but with a privacy lock on it (that reminds me of the old-school sanrio diaries i had growing up that had a lock & key, but all the diaries they sold had the same locks & keys, which made them utterly useless). Of course, there were some reservations about doing it, since I couldn't fully trust that it's truly "private." For instance, even with facebook, you think you set something as private, and the next day facebook will change it's privacy settings on you (without warning, might I add), and all your stuff is out there for the world to see.

But after going on different browsers and different computers to see if I could have access to this top-secret blog, I realized it was safe.  So I decided to let my guard down and start writing.

To be honest, I still found it hard to write. I felt like my words still felt contrived, and the tone sounded a little too... not me.  I found myself omitting things and second-guessing everything I wrote. This is not what I wanted. I wanted something raw. Something that "bared my soul."

Thats when I realized this inability to be "naked" wasn't because of other people. It was ultimately because of me. Not only did I want to keep certain things from others, but I realized these things were also hard for me admit to myself as well. And writing them down (whether they be on written on paper or electronically) would mean that they were true and I couldn't swallow that. I didn't want the ugly thoughts swimming in my head to become hard, cold truth's that I would have to face again and again.  I'd rather not.

But I realized that I can no longer be in denial and that I'd have to candidly face these shortcomings, the disappointments, and my secret longings.

After all if i'm not true to myself, really what's the point?