n.

my friends & i have used the metaphor of trains many times.

living in queens, the yellow line has always been near & dear to me.  the n train especially has been my train of preference because it always took me exactly where i needed to go (queensboro plaza, broadway stops) and has a very clean/bright interior (w/periwinkle seating).

but for some reason, i always feel that when i'm waiting for the subway, the r train would always come first. if i'm desperate or tired of waiting, i'll just end up taking it but it was definitely not the ideal - it will take me near my destination (but i would need to take a 5-10 min detour stroll) and definitely was more rickety/old & less aesthetically pleasing.

but the amazing thing was that this weekend, for some reason - every time i was waiting for a train, the n train would come first, which is extremely rare for me (with the exception of this strange time when the r train came disguised as the n train).

i know this is going to sound a bit loopy, but i think this was a sign - a sign that i shouldn't take the r (even if it seems convenient and accessible at the time) and that i should wait for the n, because the n is coming.

when it comes down to it - do i really want to take the r?

remember your values. remember what you want in life.  remember who you are and what you stand for.  remember not too long ago, you specifically stated what you wanted?  how can you be so silly, so fickle, so emotional?

maybe this is a time to retreat back to myself. figure out who i am, once again - before eventually finding someone who will accept it, cultivate it, and hone it.

all's well that ends well?

From all the endless, analytical conversations about relationships, I've always been told that a girl can rarely "tree-chop"* a guy. It just doesn't work- a girl can never win a guy over (if he isn't already attracted) with her amazing acts of kindless or great sense of humor or even the amount of money she makes. Older women, with years of relationship experience, have always told me that the guy should always love the girl more in order for the relationship to be stable. And I've always followed this credo, never playing the role of chasee; I often felt that role seemed a bit too brazen & domineering for timid, ol' me. And there's a little thing called self-preservation that stood in the way.

Last night I watched Shakespeare's All's Well That End's Well at Central Park (which was a great production btw)... but for those who aren't familiar with the play, the main protagonist Helena, a common physician's daughter, pines and harps over young Bertram, the cocky and privileged Count... Though he has no affections for her (besides that of a dear childhood friend), she strategically forces him into wedlock through a deal with the king. Bertram is outraged by this engagement and does everything in his power to escape his "betrothed" which leads him to fight in the Austria-France war despite his young age. However in the end, through all of Helena's planning and scheming, Bertram ends up loving(?) her in return as she fakes her own death and becomes pregnant with his baby. I couldn't help myself from feeling pity and shame for Helena throughout the play, wondering is it really worth all the humiliation and effort... just for a guy? Hey, but in the end- she ended up with Bertram, and she was happy.

And then there's my most favorite show of all time , Felicity, whose premise is that the main character Felicity (obviously), abandons her parents' dreams of attending Stanford medical school and moves across country to NYU to follow her high school crush, Ben. As the story moves along, she ends up confessing her whole-hearted love to him... And though he initially rejects her and ends up dating other girls (one of them being her good friend), he ends up reciprocating her love by the season finale.

Are these storylines delusional... can things like this happen in real life? Can the girl really chop the guy? And even if they do, will the women feel happy after all they had to go through (the heartache, the blow to the pride, etc.) or will they just feel embittered throughout the whole relationship, questioning why the guy didn't like them straight from the get-go? But maybe it all doesn't matter in the end... maybe their love is soo pure and certain that they don't care what they had to give up in order to gain that love in return. For them, the end truly justifies the means.

In the past, I would have found these women a bit sad and desperate. But now I find them rather empowering and courageous... women who take fate into their own hands rather than sitting around like lame ducks waiting for the man of their dreams to approach them. It's refreshing, to say the least.

*tree-chopping: to keep pursuing someone (and by doing all things necessary) until that said person keels over and surrenders.

the God of small things

I know I'm not at the ripe age of 21 anymore, but I still considered myself as young. (After all, my name does mean "youthful spirit.") I was never one of those girls to shy away or get touchy when people asked for my age. But the other day I received a lovely e-mail from an older sister figure and one line really stuck out to me: "...claim this is your year to find your husband, ok?"

First off, I didn't know I reached that age where this type of thing was wished upon me. But yes- that time has inevitably come... and it has snuck up on me like a thief in the night. I still remember the days of yore when I would frolic around with frivolous companions. But those days are long gone and that age has approached where relatives will bombard you with endless relationship questions and every wedding you attend will be a glaring showcase of what your life is missing. It's not cute or liberating or bohemian to be single and "venturing out into the world" anymore... at least not in the Korean-American Christian realm. And before you know it- you're slowly creepin' up to that age where people start thinking that you missed the boat and start questioning what must be wrong with you.

And I guess another thing is I never really found it a priority of praying for my future husband... it's a quite foreign idea to me actually. It just seemed kind of ludicrous- why would a Great God care about something as petty as my love life? But as I've been learning time and time again, our God is a God of small things. He is personal, He is precise.

Oh, but another reason why I have always been turned off for praying about this type of thing is because the act of committing something to prayer means you're serious about it... that you actually care. And the danger of caring means you have the potential of getting disappointed or hurt. Of course- it's so much cooler to not care... no one wants to be with someone who reeks of desperation. But maybe I've been too prideful for too long... maybe this is my year to claim and commit.

advice to the boys

it's actually really simple

you better get your move on (woah-oh), or all the good ones will have gone....

Funny incident today at work:
A pretty blonde lady strolls into our office.
"Oh I'm looking for Scott Randall."*
I look up Scott Randall in our directory and see a photo of a frumpy, curly-haired dude (kind of like the grown-up version of those Superbad guys).
"Oh, are you a vendor or a client?" I ask.
She smiles sheepishly and replies, "Neither. A girlfriend."

And right then before my jaw dropped, Scott Randall comes out and they greet each other with a kiss and walk into the office together.

Diva coworker next to me says, "Ooh. That Scott Randall is one lucky mofo."

I laughed, but I couldn't help thinking he must have a lot of money, which he probably does since most of the employees (at least the males) at my office do. (That's a very cruel thought to have, isn't it?)

But its a weird thing I noticed while living and people-watching in New York. There are extremely mis-matched couples, especially the homely (plain, at best) men with their gorgeous girlfriends. Either the women in this city are really not superficial (with looks) or extremely superficial (with money).

But I always thought if I was extremely beautiful and modelesque, I think I would care less about my beau being physically attractive. It's like since I'm so good-looking, I'd get sick of seeing too many good-looking people all the time. Does that make any sense?

Then I thought maybe I need to lower my standards a bit when it comes to outer beauty. Maybe the only path to happiness (apparently from the New York girls I've been observing) is that girls just need to be with guys that are 3-4 notches less attractive than them. That's the only way a girl can be truly adored and secure in a relationship. But then again, how could you be with someone without being even a little bit physically attracted to him? How would you wake up to their face EVERY morning of your whole life if you didn't like that face? But then again, sometimes even a good-looking face could get tiring to look at if you had to look at it every morning.

My cousin said her standards have been changing as she gets older. First, she says she was all about the face (very handsome with good features and structure)... then she realized she can't be that picky anymore and just asked for good height (5'10"+)... but then she realized the pool is too small, so then she just settled for a decent body (not fat and not too skinny). I realized that more than being strictly handsome, it's all about having a good (warning: gona turn a lil fobby here) 인상, which basically means "impression/vibe." Yep... and everything else is just a bonus.

*name has been changed to protect identity.