suffering

I was talking to someone about her experience with R.O.T.C.

I asked her why she's doing it and one of the reasons (among others) she listed was simply that she wanted to experience some type of suffering in order to balance out her life.

Or I don't know if she put it in those words exactly, but that's what I got out of it.

And I totes understand, because I often inflict myself with pain (don't worry... not like physically but putting myself in painful situations).

It's kind of like the opposite effect of drugs. Drugs put us on a high so that normal life seems unbearable and dry. Whereas these little self-inflicted trials make us realize how good "normal" life is.

I think that's why I'm taking Pilates. So for an hour, every Thursday morning I can re-evaluate how wonderful life is... outside of Pilates class.

(Though I have to say it's actually getting a little better each time).

ps.
my friend just sent me a little email, alerting me that there is now a new punctuation mark that indicates sarcasm.

here's the whole article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/news/6995354/Sarcasm-punctuation-mark-aims-to-put-an-end-to-email-confusion.html

Coolest invention ever right? (see you don't know if I'm being sarcastic or not...)
Though I have to say I'm kind of on the fence about this one... sometimes the misunderstandings that occur over sarcasm on the web can be pretty hilarious in a disastrous way.

nom nom nom

I've been surviving off a diet of pain-killers & ice cream. how loverly!

On Saturday, while I was writhing in pain over pulling out my wisdom tooth, I started to dangerously flirt with the idea that death might be a better alternative than suffering like this. I haven't had thoughts like that since... climbing the half-dome. As I tossed & turned, gurgling blood from my mouth, my family was busily preparing for dinner (we had invited the next-door neighbors over). When I was starting to feel a little bit better and less suicidal/delusional, I asked if anyone could buy me some yogurt. A simple request from a beloved sister/daughter in agony, no? Well, everyone was too busy or had their hands full or whatnot, and I just sat there- uncared for and neglected. I couldn't help but to think silly thoughts like"well, if i had a boyfriend, he would be willing to buy me yogurt from the market!" But, alas, I have none.

Things I have been craving:
1. Strawberry Yan Yan's (yes still, but some days it's chocolate... i'm a fickle one)
2. Re-reading Kundera
3. Swimming in an indoor pool (too many ashes!)
4. Listening to 2ne1's reggae remix of "I Don't Care" (forgot to input it in my ipod... dagnabbit!)
5. Dim sum

I think it's the Rob Fleming in me, but I like to make lists in fives. Sometimes it'll only get to four, and I have to force one out just to make it complete (dim sum was the late add).

oh~ which reminds me, I'll be seeing Nick Hornby @ the Skirball next month! Anyone interested-> http://www.skirball.org/index.php?option=com_ccevents&scope=prgm&task=detail&oid=635

empathy

I visited the dentist the other day. I absolutely loathe going to the dentist... even moreso than the average person. I think (no, I KNOW) that the most painful experience of my ENTIRE life was when I had my root canal (though pimple popping in Korea would be a close runner-up). And I went with a feeling of anticipated doom, assuming I would have several cavities and have my wisdom teeth taken out. But alas, to my pleasant surprise (or shock would be a better word), the dentist said all I needed was a cleaning.

And as I was sitting there in my dentist chair, my thoughts couldn't help but to wander (as they often do... they should play some music in there or something). I repeatedly told him how sensitive I was with anything involving my teeth (kind of how Rachel Green is like with her eyeballs). Though he probably heard this spiel all the time from wuss patients like myself, I felt he sincerely made an effort to make the experience as painless as possible...I thought to myself that he MUST know what it must feel like to get your teeth cleaned so he must have figured out how to go about it with the least amount of pain. After all, he is a human being that responds and reacts to pain similarly to myself.

That got me thinking... about how nonchalant we are to killing ants, spiders, etc. Even animals (for food or when we unexpectedly run them over). I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we see them as being on the lower tiers of this ideological hierarchy. We can't empathize with bugs. As much as I try to imagine (with the help of lovely Pixar films and Bernard Werber books), I can't really see them having minds, souls, and emotions. They are almost like inanimate objects to me so far below "our kind," that their suffering means pretty much nothing to me. Now you see why I would never be a vegetarian (at least for reasons dealing with guilt)... c'mon it's the "circle of life."

That led me to thinking about God. Can he really feel our suffering? I imagine that he sees us in aerial view... we are like ants to him, crawling around like busybodies living our small lives. Does he really know how it feels when a person gets hit by bullet or if a person is going through heartbreak? I guess that's why he sent down Jesus Christ, the man-god or god-man. But if Christ was sinless and pretty much perfect all-over, how could he possibly feel what we feel... the daily temptations we go through, the anger/sadness when we are hurt. Also if God, the father/creator, can empathize with our physical and emotional pain, it boggles my mind how he could knowingly create such a large population of people who will eventually suffer in eternal damnation.

I remember someone telling me that being a "true Christian" involves that leap of faith... to trust that God is good and everything will happen for the good of his people. And that's another thing... only for his people. Maybe I'm thinking too much from a "human" perspective and not enough from a "God" perspective. But I can't help it... I am only human after all.