skeletors in the closet

I remember a long, long time ago (was it three years ago?), my friends and I were going around trying think of the ultimate adjective that encapsulated each person's identity.

One of my friends was "respectable," another was a "introspective", another was "whimsical." When it came to my turn, my friend said I was "innocent." I didn't know what to make of this.

Then, my friend clarified, "Not because you haven't had your share of doing 'bad' things, because who knows what kind of sins you've committed... but you just carry the essence of innocence."

What is this 'essence of innocence'? And do I still possess it?

Another friend equated this air of innocence with "lightheartedness." A type of carefree-ness where I don't let things get to me as much. Then, we started categorizing people (because bucketing people is our favorite past-time) as heavy or light. In one of my favorite books, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" (I swear I should be this book's personal publicist), Kundera compares polarities such as fineness vs. coarseness, cold vs. warmth, being vs. nonbeing, and points out how in each- there is always a clear positive and negative. But such is not the case with lightness & heaviness:

"The absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant." With lightness, there comes a sense of freedom which might ultimately result into insignificance; with heaviness, there is a weight of burden/responsibility, but then again- "the heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment". So which is better?

I think a part of my "light-ness" comes from being really skilled at forgetting unpleasant things and not being weighed down by my past. Our Pastor talked about the necessity of inner healing this past Sunday and that when we are untreated from our emotional pain, these hurts will surface later on in our lives in strange, unexpected ways (e.g. King David from the Bible*). Pastor D. went all psychoanalytical on the bible story in 1 Samuel 16, explaining how David wasn't loved/highly regarded by his father Jesse, which could have possibly led to his excessive need for women and his dysfunctional relationship with his sons. Of course, our Pastor said all this with a disclaimer that this conclusion might a bit presumptuous on his part, but these are his thoughts (as well as the thoughts of other biblical scholars). Anyway, he explained how we need to first address our pain in order to be healed. For me, I always thought forgetting was the perfect remedy for pain... that was just my coping method. But I realize now that's just like sweeping dust under a rug; when you lift the rug later, who knows what kind of hairballs and weird particles you'll find.

*By the way I actually read a Joseph Heller book few years ago titled "God Knows" which tells a comical, modern (and a bit blasphemous) account of King David's life. It made me realize how screwed up he really was, which surprisingly made me like him more.

snafu

Isn't it funny that church service lands on Sunday's- the last day of the weekend stretch? Somehow, I find that it's hardly arbitrary and seems almost like a well thought-out, calculated arrangement. In Manhattan, it seems as though services (especially in churches where there's a thriving population of young adult church-goers) are even pushed back until the last tether of the weekend... usually in the late afternoon or evening.

I guess it offers us the option of having wild, unadulterated nights of drunken debauchery and promiscuity (usually starting from Thursdays) and the safe claim of being able to come to church for a thorough purging/repenting session.

I know this isn't what Christians are supposed to do. (As in living a completely double life and being a weekly prodigal son.) And church isn't designed for these purposes. But I wonder what it would be like if church was on Friday or Saturday instead. I think us heathens would benefit from it. With the sermon ringing freshly in our ears, I think we'd be just a tad bit more reluctant to engage in "unbiblical" acts and maybe think twice about indulging ourselves in the seductive NY nightlife. Who knows...